Think yours was the cruise from hell? Here are some REAL signs you're on a really bad cruise:

1. Upon embarkation, you hear a computer voice calmly announcing that “this ship will self-destruct in 5, 4, 3 ….”

2. The Captain’s name is Jack Sparrow, and he wants to know, “Where’s all the rum gone?”

3. The Atrium resembles a waiting room, with a sofa, folding chairs, and a coffee table containing a copy of “The World’s Biggest Cruise Ship Disasters Ever”.

4. “Stewart”, you’re cabin attendant, greets you on the first day, happily announces he’s going on vacation, and hands you a bucket and a sponge.

5. That “size-of-a-closet” inside cabin you booked (against the advice of your travel agent) is just that - an actual closet.

6. Your cabin is semi-private, and the bathroom is shared with the cabin next door.

7. On a visit to the bridge, “re-CALC-ulating” is repeatedly heard from the ship’s GPS.

8. The crewmembers are all wearing life jackets.

9. It’s Day 3 of a 4-night cruise, and you still haven’t left port.

10. Each passenger boarding the tender boat to go ashore is handed a pair of oars.

11. Tonight’s “Surf and Turf” dining selection is Tuna Helper and Spam in a Can.

12. Your dining room seat cushion also serves as your flotation device.

13. The only song the band knows is “There’s Got to Be a Morning After” (remember the original Poseidon Adventure?)

14. All the towel animals look like the Grim Reaper.

15. There are sharks swimming circles in the pool.

16. The end of the water slide is positioned off the side of the ship.

17. The lido deck is occupied by chair hogs – the live, curly tailed, 4-legged animal kind.

18. Dr. Hannibal Lecter is the doctor on call.

19. The ship needs a jump-start at every port.

20. The chief engineer is overheard mumbling something about a “bucket ‘o bolts”.