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Dan

Actual Wal-Mart Job Application

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This is an actual job application that a 75 year

old senior citizen submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas.

They hired him because he was so funny.

NAME: George Martin

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right

woman (or at least, one who'll cooperate).

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice

President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I

was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying

here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock

options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If

that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management

hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible

collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p. m. Monday,Tuesday,

and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but

they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had

one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD

PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate

question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR

RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the

Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell

me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no, on my breaks - no.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:

Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb

sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest

thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be

doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND

COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Sagittarius

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