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Crazies At Sea, a novel

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(UPDATED MAY 8, 2005)

A number of months ago, Tamara placed a very simple post on the CruiseCrazies “General Discussion†board:

“This is another version of the continuing word game. Each person writes 6 words. I'll start:

’Clarissa looked over her shoulder at...’ “

Little did anyone suspect, at the time, what would happen next! To date, 783 replies have been added, and the ‘novel’ is several pages long. In addition, there have been over 6693 views of the story!!!

For those of you who would like to ‘catch up,’ here’s a recap:


An Original Novel by the CruiseCrazies

alt text



Clarissa looked over her shoulder at the tall , dark, handsome guy that was standing in the doorway of the shabby hotel and said, "I would very much like to know who put a towel animal on the hood of my brand new 110,000 ton cruise vessel named MS CruiseCrazy. Unique, because it has a small go-cart track aboard ship!

Just then a stranger walked over and said, "The crow flies at the light of dawn and now it's nearing the twelfth of never!†Suddenly, the silence was broken by a bolt of lightning that quickly caused an eruption of fire in the main dining room.

Someone shouted, “...the roof...the roof...the roof.......; let’s get out of here before the boiler goes. We rushed to our Muster Stations, and we were very scared and jumped into the water into the life boats. Some of the passengers began singing, "Michael, Row Your Boat Ashore.â€Â

Clarissa saw him blow her a kiss and, and as he slowly went under, she remembered that he had her credit cards. "I can't believe that I fell for that old line.

Just then, a Coast Guard boat filled with courageous, gorgeous men appeared.

They yelled , " Now, listen up you cruise crazy fools. You have to get back on the ship! It's tonight's dinner being cooked. The chef just finished flambe lessons and is serving the Cherries Jubilee. Now, get ready for your formal dinner and make sure you bring your best impression of a happy cruiser despite being cranky because you forgot you’re your dress shoes. Sneakers [look OK with shorts, but with a tux they look terrible.

Ok, what else can we wear. Hey, I'll go naked.

At that point, my mind began to flash weird thoughts of grotesque vegetables that I have seen in the hands of a devilish chef that wasn't too good at figuring out which end of the cucumber was up - if it matters!

I asked myself, "Why is this person impersonating a chef who can't even boil an egg? What if I just get in there and work my magic one more time. I can cook up an unbelievable deep dish, double chocolate, chocolate chip and sardine casserole, with tomato basil, with a touch of Spam Ala-mode!

After the Pepto Bismol, I went to the jogging track but I tossed my lunch over the side, anyway! I turned and saw a passenger and an officer engaged in alt

on a deck chair with he blazing hot sun burning a hole right through the most private stateroom on the ship. Quickly, I got my camera and started shooting, nonstop, so that I would have all the info that I needed for a documentary about the hazards of cruising on CruiseCrazies Cruise, with Captain Jason and First Officer Gilligan.

With all the spare footage we can produce a reality show and use the money to go on our next cruise to the exotic port of call located in the absolute best spot on Earth,

Las Vegas, Nevada. Where's the dock? It's an all terrain cruise ship!



Then, Clarissa woke up and thought, “WOW!! That was certainly weird. Could this really be happening to me?â€Â

What was that? A slot machine! As I walked into the casino, I could not believe, the slot machines were all in the shape of ice sculptures and towel animals. How did they do that? Then Clarissa turned around and saw Blackjack. She never could resist the game, and the cards were made from recycled sign and sail cards.

The dealer eyed me as if he knew I was a winner. Little did he know, but he was right! I felt really lucky; it was Friday the 13th.

After money and cards, on the floor, caught my eye, I spotted a Wayne Newton wannabe. He sang, “Danke Shoen,†poorly. I laughed so hard that I wet my pants and slipped, falling across the Craps table and crapped out (very embarrassing). I went to the hot tub to hide my embarrassment and tears. Suddenly, I spotted a shark swimming in the aft pool.



I tried to call out to Clarissa but she was to occupied, lounging with her newly found “friend,†a tall, handsome gentleman, who seemed to be hiding his true identity. His ring finger was missing. He wore a flashy tuxedo, but you could tell he didn't want anyone to know that he was actually a "she". Unfortunately, he/she tripped as it entered the ballroom, and the tango became the "tangle" of limbs, some male.

“Whoops," what on earth is that?? Oh my God, it is a genuine imitation, died in the wool, long, curly blonde wig with green strands that hold sequins and some ribbons of every color in the shape of a ship's stabilizer. Where do the batteries go? In that little purple pouch that was created to hold plums. You have to find the hidden key on the bottom of the dessert buffet table, under the ice sculpture of the gang of CruiseCrazies! The key will open the brass lock on the old fashioned chastity belt, worn by that sexy, Crazie, cruise director.

Does the Captain know how erotic he looks with that key in his teeth, and gleam in his eye? He must be ready for a cruise romance with whoever comes along. It could be Clarissa, who's waiting by the Atrium, dressed in nothing but a coconut cut in half and a hula skirt made out of my mind. I actually thought that pineapples. A fruit salad, with legs, but, “Oh what legs!â€Â

Immediately he went for the pineapples, knife in hand. Clarissa screamed and said to him, "Back you fool! Don't you know we're not in St. Martin yet??!!"

"But, we're doing the Eastern Caribbean!" Everything became a complete jumble in my mind. I thought I saw Clarissa and the Captain falling through a crevasse in a large glacier.

Here in the Caribbean??? Something is very strange. Aha! It's the Bermuda triangle! All of those stories must be a hallucination, or perhaps they are true. Anyway, things are very strange around here. I guess I’ll just take a nap on the topless deck. "Hey! No cameras!" yelled the very active cameraman. I want to……

"Who's gonna see this tiny digital naval camera with telephoto lens and wide angle lens, for the larger woman breastfeeding junior in the dining room. Just then a man ran off with her burp cloth. Wow! She was exposed, and very "embarrassed," but, that wasn't the worst of it.

The man with the camera was actually a woman with a large ego. She looked like Martha Stewart and dressed like Liberace. She went through the motions of pretending to take some photos, but she really was doing insider trading. The film that everyone knew who the people were that actually were in charge of the whole Big Brother (i.e. George Orwell - not the tv show lol) was watching. He was thinking that he really needed was to talk to the purser about the possibility of getting a spy camera. He was sure the Maitre'd had something funny going on with one of the showgirls in the chorus. If only he could catch them at it - in the act. That would make me the only midget in the world that has missing one ear. Suddenly, there was a huge explosion. Flames billowed from the galley. People were rushing around grabbing plates! "Cherries Jubilee is ready !!!!" "Whew, I thought it was the dragon that lives under the topless dancer on deck nine. She's always Flirting with my husband on deck and trying to get him to shiver her timbers. You know, really she could pick on the single guys, but this may be her way of "testing the waters." Maybe she's bored with the usual things that women get bored with; control of the remote for TV; him belching and farting at dinner, like scenes from "Quest for Fire." Or maybe it was just that she needed to feel sexy and loveable. She decided she needed new, sexier, clothes and a different hairdo. The first thing she did was head to Victoria's Secret, with her credit card in hand, as ifa push up bra would change her "32A." Oh, well, it's worthwhile to stuff them with some cantaloupes, which sometimes look as if they may fall to the ground, but let's try anyway. She left inhibitions behind, grabbed two melons, and went out to see what she could find at a good price!!

As she was going to the ship's duty-free shops, she spotted a strange looking man with a peg leg and a parrot sitting on his head. "That's strange He looks suspiciously like one of. my ex-husbands. I thought he was different, but I didn't realize that he was a cross dresser and in need of a very good haircut and a manicure for sure.

Just then, ten Bulgarians came rushing across the poop deck. Borsht, now, or we'll blow the ship out of this water and then we'll use the flames to cook perogies. Suddenly, a rogue wave came out of nowhere and whacked those Bulgarians overboard. Now, we can return toour peaceful game of tic tac toe. Things are finally getting normal!

Maybe we could see if the tops optional deck is open. Sometimesjust freely those puppies makes me dream of being on a deserted island, with absolutely nothing to do but put sunscreen on the coconuts. If only I could figure out why I keep getting slapped. Those things are just to tempting, so I'll hide them in my carry on luggage. If they ever got out, I don't know what the captain and crew would think! Now it's time to have a a drink, and think about going to Tahiti with a smile and wearing nothing else. After all it's Christmas and Santa is thinking about who should be getting the best and sexiest red lingerie for my cousin who is going to be 90 this year. But she had a breast enlargement done and doesn't look a day over 85! All of the men in the home are heading to the pharmacy for "supplies" that they know they'll need; but, does medicare cover the cost????

Just then, a bell rang and we headed for the dining room for dinner. The Matre'D was standing by the door, his hand discreetly held out, waiting for a large contribution so that he could help pay for his expensive Botox injection, which was long overdue. When the wrinkles start to look like a road map of Los Angeles it's never a pretty site.



Only one question was asked of the Maitre'd. "Didn't you used to be a girl?" His reply really was a shock; "Depends on your definition of girl." The Maitre'D went way too far when he started to take off his mustache and hair piece. He was really and undercover agent in the employ of another company that needed inside information on the secret doings on the cruise ship. The cat was out of the bag!!! Once the world finds out what he is up to, they'll all want in on the codes. What they will never know is that he is the only human being on Earth that has the secret as to how they get the caramel out of your clothes after you toss your cookies from eating the caviar from the Grand Buffet. Luckily, it wasn't beluga cavier, just lumpfish, soaked in salt so nobody could eat it without champagne to wash it down. The problem with champagne is that, once you've had 8, you think you can dance like "Marvin," the tap-dancing horse, and singing like Frances, the talking mule. The only down side is you can never trust anyone again to sing the right lyrics, or tune! But, who would have expected to see a singing monkey. He looked a little Elvis, but sounded a lot like Ethel Merman. On the other hand, old Ethel wasn't half bad. Shecould break glass with her high notes! Now, we are all forced to llisten and watch out for the monkey poop and broken glass, and it ruins my expensive shoes, so.

I'm wearing the clogs my granny used to wear. She was a clog dancing champion. She had big feet, so they look like clown shoes. The best thing about her was her fantastic sense of humor; she could turn anything into a joke. Why, at Grandpa's funeral, she she dressed up as a giant octopus and carried the coffin all alone, while attacking the guests and painting the wall, all at the same time. Granny was always a nut when it came time to making fudge. It never hardened, and it was always liquid, so we added it to our chocolate martini! Now that surely made my day!

Clarissa decided she would try her husband's Viagra, in the fudge, but she could not get it in the giant maximum strength capsules!

It worked! The fudge hardened and stayed that way for a long stayed that way for a long time. More than four hours could be a good thing - so Martha Stewart , who looked terrible in orange, was caught smuggling some. It was hidden in one of the large sofas. Matching sofas with lamps is difficult, difficult, to find when you are in the slammer. Martha has no more time to go shopping in stores. Online, maybe, is she can get a job selling cigarettes and watch world events happen on TV.



Meanwhile, back on the ship, we decided to find out where the topless deck was. We followed the Maitre'D to the secret passage the shy people could use to go up to the top deck. Wow! I never saw so many men with their tongues hanging out! It was a sea of silicone!

Clarissa thought to herself, "Wish I was not so hung up on Cosmetic Surgery. I'd love to have some new puppies that don't sag.†But, that's just a dream. I know that deep down, I couldn't .....WHY NOT????? Ship's doctor I have just one thing to say, “I’m here; DO IT?â€Â

“OK, lady. When I count three you must select your new cup size.

"DDD" Soon, she had two, enormous, gorgeous Ta Ta's! Wow, they look like St. Lucia's Pitons; beautiful, impressive and big!

She said "I don't know where to put these. The won't fit inside my carry-on. So I must buy a large bra, or forklift! Okay, back to reality maybe they went too far when they put on tassels after they pierced them! I'm not really sure, but that may be something they regret when they look back. But, I’m thrilled with the new look. It was better than what happened to my mother when she had her cabbage rolls implanted in her butt cheeks. Polish Sausage, and all! I swear, they smelled exactly like the one thing most men hate - commitment. It smells

..a little like 'Death,' only worse!!! It appears to be a painful reminder to a time when they went skiing, and the ski pole got implanted in his earlobe. They felt bad, as it was their honeymoon. He stuck a large earring in the large pierced hole, however it (got lost somewhere when they) kept getting in the way whenever other people skied down the slopes.

Clarissa wondered where her life went… Her parents warned her this would happen, but whoever listens to their parents!

Clarissa shook her shiny hair and said, "There must be more than this!"

Before returning to looking out onto the island, she was washed up on the beach. Coconuts were lying all around her. she looked like a wet noodle and felt like a dry martini - shaken not stirred! Suddenly, out of the water came Fabio, and, would you believe that, in person, he’s really pretty ugly? His hair wasn't all that gorgeous; the dreadlocks looked kind of hideous! And, his clothes were torn and looked as if they came from the Dollar Store; and smelled like the bottom of a very old ladies purse. Like lavender and Old Spice deoderant. Now, how could that be? I know that I was expecting much more, as usual, but that's life!

Just then, the ship came into view. Everyone let out a large sigh, but, then, noticed a giant tentacle rising from the center of the midnight buffet. Wow, that’s some ice carving. It didn't really look like ice, but it smells like fish eggs. So we called it caviar and ate it while we drank Champagne. Suddenly, it started to move again. What in the world should I do?

I rushed and grabbed my camera, but found that it was not real..... It was all a dream!" It figures; too good to be true.

Meanwhile, back on board, we heard the cruise director saying that all those who ate the "caviarâ€Â

would fall under an evil spel; that would they become a troll…

Then, laughing, "Actually, you'll be fine, but you should all beware of the sausages, because they are actually "troll noses," sautéed in red wine, anchovies, chocolate and strawberry jam, wine, anchovies, chocolate and strawberry jam, just to name a few things. The good news, it is an aphrodisiac! So, once you get passed the smell, you've got it licked! Maybe you could put some limburger cheese on a necklace to improve the taste and smell of the "sausage."

Suddenly, Clarissa awoke; "What a dream...." she said. She quickly realized, though it's over! Everything's normal again, and she went out to the balcony and soon realized she was completely naked in front of a large body that she did not recognize. Will the dream ever really end?

"Well, off to the breakfast buffet." Clarissa was famished. She ate a dozen donuts, standing in line, and then got the sudden urge to dress up like a policeman. Could she sing "YMCA" with the Village People, in the right key, or can she only screw up the lyrics? We'll sing Broadway showtunes 'til the cows come home, and,then, sing some songs from the sixties!



Look! "There's Cozumel off the port side of the ship. If only Clarissa had gotten her camera. Look! Carlos & Charlies....Senor Frog... Wow! This must really be a dream …. We've cleared Customs! Off to Chankanaab, to see Dolphins and big lizards.

What exciting taxi ride! Mexican drivers are similar to Florida drivers, only they speak a different language. I think it's English! That's different. Anyway, on the way to the beach,

the driver said, "Well, senor, we'll be there soon, but first I show you Playa Corona, the island's nicest beach. It has a chickee hut with 3 very large sombreros perched on the roof and you will never guess what is sold; corned beef, pastrami, knishes, Cel-Ray…….. But the best of all is the lox and bagels - yum! When it’s tourist season, they also sell snow globes with a Statue of Liberty inside. It is really amazing, considering they are several thousand miles apart. But, on the other hand, it is a U.S. island.

So, they hooked the anchor to the dock and went to get supplies. Meanwhile, we arrived at Chankanaab and decided to just go for a swim. The water was so clear. But, lo and behold, we saw no fish.... Something scared them away! What could it have been? Suddenly, out of the wave jumped a mermaid. She was so beautiful. Her makeup was dripping, from being wet, and her hair was so long that you couldn't tell if she… was gorgeous or hideous! But, what a figure. She had implants like giant squids, and that is never normal! "¿Cuál manera a Miami?" (Which way to Miami?) she asked as she wiggled closer to shore. "tengo que salir México, ahora!" (I have to leave Mexico, now!) She asked directions to the Docks of the Bay, where Otis Redding is watching the tide roll away. She was thinking that there was……..

About the time when she saw Gilligan...The Skipper, too… The Millionaire and his wife, who now looked just like Bette Davis in her confused state. "Who are you?" she cried, “Whatever happened to Baby Jane?â€Â

Oh my god. I think that Jezebel knows all about Eve, and that's no joke, Baby Jane. Suddenly Clarrisa started reciting the poem about Little Miss Muffet, who sat on the buffet, and nobody could get to the crème brule.

The passengers all wanted to play roulette...so, they all followed Clarrisa into the Captain's quarters. He had a private roulette table and a wet bar, that was the same color as his eyes; a steely grey, which glowed, suspiciously. "OK," he said, "now, remove your collars so your neck

is well exposed." He then tried to hide the deep rope marks. But, the more he tried, the redder they became. So, he decided to go another route. On the path to destruction. Just then an inebriated passenger passed out when the Assistant Purser yelled, "Muster Stations, everyone!!!!" Since nobody attended the lifeboat drill, the Captain decided to send his cruise director to sort things out.



Seems as if nobody had tipped the baggage carriers. So they all had a "Boston Tea Party," using all of the passengers clothing, belongings; over the side they went!

Before long, the ocean looked like a department store, after a sale, the day after Thanksgiving. Lingerie floated around like it was possessed by Victoria and all of her secrets. The captain yelled " Someone get the lacey bra and thong underwear out the water and put it in the steam dryer, that was my Mom's. Now, dried, and shrunk, the dress is now on DaCruzNut, and he looks snazzy! However his legs do need to be shaven and leave a little to be desired. His pantyhose, however, fixed that problem!

Clarissa wondered if she should have to undergo another painful operation that will make her look as nice as Dorothy, instead of the Witch. But, somehow the doctor slipped while operating, and Clarissa looked like a.......

Making his first incision in the facial area, he began to repair her chin. To his surprise there was facial hair he didn't remember studying about in Medical School. Suddenly another doctor said , "Look at this! IT'S A MASK!!! Clarissa's not really human; She more closely resembles a girl, but, it's somewhat unclear exactly who. However, she looks familiar to Martha, but had features similar to an alien. That's why she never took the veil from around her face, except for when she wanted to give someone a big bite on the neck.†She slept all day, and flew all night, which isn't that bad. The worst part of the flight was the man in the moon smiling at her. She got stuck on the bubble-gum Jason left on the railing

Just then 8 tiny reindeer landed on the pool deck, with a thud, a decoration which fell from Rudolph's nose rolled down the water slide, into the pool, where it exploded into a multitude of colorful 100 dollar bills, which then overflowed the atrium lobby. All the cruisers frantically ran around grabbing the bills.



Cash in hand…destination Casino! “Let’s win, win, win!â€Â…….They all lost, only to find out the mob was now on its way to lynch the cruise director. He was sitting at the captains table wearing nothing but a smile. As he coquettishly crossed his legs and said, “Chili’s so hot my clothes melted!†The women fell upon him like Dorothy's house, each one grabbing at his eyes (what else were you thinking?). He quickly darted to the Maitre D’ and asked him to donate his tablecloth, to cover his dimpled cheeks. He was blushing, so the Maitre D’ snapped him with the rolled up napkin he was using as a telescope to spy on that real cutie, Jennifer, from Canada! Jennifer blushed so pinkly after seeing his dimpled cheeks that she went from pink, to red, to bright pink again, all the time wondering "How in the world can I sneak him into my cabin and have tea and cookies with him (Hey, this is a family board!!!!!) without the rest of the crew, and my husband, finding out?

Maybe I can disguise him as a slot machine, with a big handle, and then pulled it with a big smile on her face.

(“hazelsonâ€Â: Question for Jeff - is tea and cookies a euphemism - :o) Because I've never heard of "it" being called that before lol)

(“rogueâ€Â: OT- To paraphrase Sigmund Freud, sometimes tea and cookies are just tea and cookies.)

(“DaCruzNutâ€Â: OK, just to set things straight. No, hazelson, "tea and cookies" was not a euphemism. I just wanted to keep things on the up-and-up. Unfortunately, however, I can't say the same for, "...big handle."

Then, when he actually paid off, she ran away and hid in the Wedding Chapel, knowing he would never find her there, because he had a phobia about entering places that smelled like commitment. When the Chaplain saw Jennifer, shaking, he asked, "What happened to you? You look like you've seen a ghost. Suddenly her high school sweetheart appeared and Clarissa said, “He (pointing) died in a freak accident. A rabid raccoon….



(‘DaCruzNut’:Calm down, Broward! Jennifer's just playing our "Let's Write A Novel" game! I’m sure she didn’t mean anything personal!)

(NOTE FOR NEW MEMBERS!!!!!! Because you are so important to us, and part of our family, we do not want you to feel to excluded from what appear to be "inside jokes..."

So, I'd like to fill you in about "Broward DaKoon," nicknamed "Browie."

Browie is a little stuffed racoon that I won at the Broward County fair, in 1981. He just sort of sat on a night table for a year.... In 1982 I had surgery, and needed a "cough pillow;" to clutch whenever I coughed, or sneezed. Rather than carry a pillow, I grabbed Browie. Every time I needed to cough/sneeze, I would hold Browie tightly against my chest. The time came when I no longer needed Browie, but we had bonded and I couldn't just abandon him after he had served so faithfully. So, Browie became my "little Buddy," and has joined me on all of my 58 cruises. When not on a cruise, he sits on a love seat in my Florida Room, watching TV and eating pizza.

If you'd like to meet him, check out:


Browie is a little mischievous, and gets into trouble a lot. Nothing serious, but.......)

The racoon was heartbroken, until they found a girl raccoon. She was incredibly unbelievable! She could bake pizza, his favorite, and, also, could wiggle her butt like the ship's chef, who used to be a sumo wrestler. The Chef often concocted new recipes while he was practicing. His Chicken Blaquenbleau was divine! However, all the while was his pork butt, ham shanks and bottom round; Very round, indeed! Anyway, Clarissa wanted

get out of there as quickly as she could run. But, again, nothing goes right for our heroine. In her haste she slipped and landed on a pastry tray….SPLAT!!!! She now has icing all over her body.

Suddenly, the ship went bonkers; pitching, rolling, out of control. All the passengers started throwing up their hands in despair, until they realized that they were…. "What's going to happen next????!" Clarissa yelled out!!



The passengers heard those familiar chimes, and stampeded to the dining room, just to find out that the food was cold and nearly gone, but the dessert menu boasted a giant piece of chocolate that resembled a car, with every detail edible!

After Clarissa stuffed herself with chocolate, she went to the gym to workout and look for single attractive men, she shared with Rita and Jennifer! Now, a cat fight ensues and the men placed bets on who would get the best man. Clarissa really showed some interesting moves that caused the men to cheer for more. Clarissa really got into it, and before long she started to get very dizzy. She thought that it was time to call a day.

"STOP!†There are enough men for us all. I want Jason to decide who gets to date whom. After all, Jason is the cruise director here! If he wants to, he picks! "Clarissa, you get to pick someone who will be yours. "I pick you, Jason!" Clarissa said with a giant smile. Suddenly, Jason's mom grabbed Clarissa by her waist. “I knew you two were up to something, but I never dreamed you were "an item!" You need to plan the wedding! I'll make sure that everything is just perfect for a wedding at sea. We'll need flowers, rice, Dramamine and a cake, a big fat fancy cake! Ice carvings, chopped liver and an accordion player. The bridesmaids will do the chicken dance, immediately

followed by Fritz, the maitre'd, doing the Oktoberfest Frolic in his leiderhosen!

We'll have the best wedding since Michael and Lisa Marie attempted to tell the world how normal they are. If Charles, Camilla and The Queen can be royal, so can we! After all, Camilla's headpiece was the envy of all the birds on Sesame Street. Big bird wants his with diamonds. Clarissa, however, prefers large curly bouffant hair with pink ribbons. She also loves to wear spandex, but due to an unusual allergy, she has to wear longjohns under her pantyhose. This is extremely uncomfortable, and, usually, the only thing that helps is Vaseline, rubbed on with care.



Everything was ready for the




IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO ADD YOUR TWO-CENTS WORHT, CLICK HERE: http://www.cruisecrazies.com/forums/index....pic=2133&st=760

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