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KeithnRita

A Politically Correct Christmas

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A Politically Correct Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck.

How to live in a world that's politically correct?

His workers no longer would answer to Elves,

Vertically Challenged they were calling themselves.

And labor conditions at the north pole

Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,

Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear

That Santa had better not use just reindeer.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,

Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;

The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.

And people had started to call for the cops

When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.

His fur trimmed red suit was called Unenlightened.

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,

Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose

And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,

Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,

Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,

Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,

Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion That

making a choice could cause so much commotion.

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,

Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.

Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.

Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.

Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.

Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.

No candy or sweets; they were bad for the tooth.

Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,

Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological

Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football, someone could get hurt;

Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.

Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;

And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;

He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,

But you've got to be careful with that word today.

His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;

Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might

Give to all without angering the left or the right.

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,

Each group of people, every religion;

Every ethnicity, every hue,

Everyone, everywhere, even you.

So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth.

May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth.

alt text

Notice: This poem is copyright 1992 by Harvey Ehrlich. It is free to distribute, without changes, as long as this notice remains intact.

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(If we're going to be 'politically correct..... :grin: :grin: :grin: ')

T'was the night before Chanukah, boychicks and maidels

Not a sound could be heard, not even the draidels.

The Menorah was set on the chimney, alight

In the kitchen the Bubba hut gechapt a bite.

Salami, pastrami, a glassala tay

And zayerah pickles with bagels, oh vay!

Gezunt and geschmack, the kinderlach felt

While dreaming of tagelach and Chanukah gelt.

The clock on the mantelpiece away was tickin'

And Bubba was serving a schtikala chicken.

A tumult arose like a thousand brauches,

Santa had fallen and broken his tuches.

I put on my slippers, eins, tsvay, drei,

While Bubba was now on the herring and rye.

I grabbed for my bathrobe and buttoned my gotkes

While Bubba was busy devouring the latkes.

To the window I ran and to my surprise

A little red yarmulke greeted my eyes.

Then he got to the door and saw the Menorah,

"Yiddishe kinder," he said, "Kenahora.

I thought I was in a goyisha hoise,

But as long as I'm here, I'll leave a few toys."

With much geshray, I asked, "Du bist a Yid?"

"Avada, mien numen is Schloimay Claus, kid."

"Come into the kitchen, I'll get you a dish,

A guppell, a schtickala fish."

With smacks of delight, he started his fressen,

Chopped liver, knaidlach and kreplah gagessen.

Along with his meal, he had a few schnapps,

When it came to eating, this boy was the tops.

He asked for some knishes with pepper and salt,

But they were so hot, he yelled "Oy Gevalt."

Unbuttoning his haizen, he rose from the tish,

And said, "Your Kosher essen is simply delish."

As he went to the door, he said "I'll see you later,

I'll be back next Pesach, in time for the Sedar."

More rapid than eagles his prancers they came,

As he whistled and shouted and called them by name:

Now Izzy, now Morris, now Yitzak, now Sammy,

Now Irving and Maxie, and Moishe and Mannie."

He gave a geshray as he drove out of sight:

"Gooten Yomtov to all, and to all a good night."

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