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KeithnRita

Time for some good old Irish jokes!

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Time for some good old Irish jokes!

Mick staggered home in the wee small hours after a heavy night out with his mates. When he woke up the next morning, he found he was in bed with the dog beside him in his wife's place.

"Glory be!" said Mick. " I must have been really drunk when I got home. I thought there was a lot of noise when I threw the dog out!"

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Two Irish men in a bar:

First man: "Oh, my wife...she's an angel!!"

Second man: "You're so lucky! My wife's still alive!"

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Pat and Kieran were getting ready to go on a camping trip. Pat turned to Kieran said "I'm taking along a gallon of whiskey just in case of rattlesnake bites. What are you taking?"

Kieran replied, "Two rattlesnakes!"

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Paddy was an inveterate drunkard. The local priest met him one day and gave him a strong lecture about drink. He said, "If you continue drinking as you do, you'll gradually get smaller and smaller, and eventually you'll turn into a mouse."

This frightened the life out of Paddy. He went home that night, and said to his wife, "Bridget, if you should notice me getting smaller and smaller, will ye kill that blasted cat?"

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Q: What's an Irish 7 course meal?

A: A six-pack and a potato.

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What is black and blue and found floating up sidedown in the Irish sea?

Someone who's tells a stupid Irish joke

How do we know that Christ was Irish?

Because he was 33 still lived at home thought his mother was a virgin and she thought he was the son of God.

It was the Irish what invented the pipes, you know, and they gave them to the Scots as a joke. And the Scots haven't gotten the joke yet!

Two drunks coming home, stumbled up the country road in the dark. "Faith, Mike, we've stumbled into the graveyard and here's the stone of a man lived to the age of 103!" "Glory be, Patrick and was it anybody we knew?" "No, 'twas someone named 'Miles from Dublin'!"

Billy and Pa' were walking in the woods when they came across a sign saying, "Tree Fellers wanted". One of them said, "Ye know, it's a shame Paddy isn't here. We could have gotten the job".

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Paddy was found dead in his back yard, and as the weather was a bit on

the warm side, the wake was held down to only two days, so his mortal

remains wouldn't take a bad turn. At last his friends laid him in the

box, nailed it shut & started down the hill into the churchyard. As it

was a long, sloping path and the mourners were appropriately tipsy, one

fellow lurched into the gatepost as they entered the graveyard. Suddenly

a loud knocking came from in the box. Paddy was alive! They opened the

box up and he sat up, wide eyed, and they all said, Sure, it's a miracle

of God! All rejoiced & they went back and had a few more drinks but

later that day, the poor lad died. Really died. Stone cold dead. They

bundled him back into his box, and as they huffed and puffed down the

hill the next morning, the priest said, "Careful now, boys, mind ye

don't bump the gatepost again"

A drunk gets on a bus and asks the conductor how long the trip is

between Limerick to Cork. "About 2 hours," says the conductor. "Okay,"

says the drunk "then how long is the trip between Cork to Limerick?" The

irate conductor says to the drunk "It's still about 2 hours, man. Why'd

ya think there'd be a difference?" "Well," says the drunk, "It's only a

week between Christmas and New Year's, but it's a helluva long time

between New Year's to Christmas!"

It's revolutionary Paris, 1789, and three spies from across the

channel are about to be guillotined. "Do you wan't to be

beheaded on your back or your front?" The executioner asked

Smith. "On my back," said Smith. "I'm not afraid of death." So

Smith was laid on his back under the blade. The executioner

pulled the lever. Schlick... and the blade jammed. Smith was

reprieved because no man can be sentanced to death twice. Hoskins

was next. He too chose to face the knife. Again the blade jammed,

and Hoskins was reprieved. Murphy was third. "Back or front?"

"If it's good enough for Smith and Hoskins, it's good enough for

me," and so Murphy was laid on his back under the blade.

"Begorrah," he said. "Just a minute. I think i can see why it

jams."

Pat and Mike were doing some street repairs in front of a known house of ill

repute in Boston. A Jewish Rabbi came walking down the street, looked the

left, looked to right, and ducked into the house.

Pat paused a bit from swinging his pick and said "Mike...will you look at

that! A man of the cloth, and going into a place like that in broad

daylight!".

A bit later, a Baptist minister came down the street, looked to the left,

looked to the right, and scurried into the house.

Mike layed down his shovel, turned to Pat and said "Pat! Are you seeing what

I'm seeing? A man of the Church, and he's giving that place his custom!"

Just then, a Catholic Priest came down the street, looked to the left, looked

to the right, and slipped into the bawdy house.

Pat and Mike straightened up, removed their hats, and Mike says "Faith, and

there must be somebody sick in there."

Four priests board a train for a long journey to a church council

conference. Shortly into the trip, one pries says "Well, we've all

worked together for many years, but don't really know one another. I

suggest we tell each other one of our sins." They look nervously at

each other but nod OK. The first priest says "Since I suggested it,

I'll go first. With me it's the drink. Once a year I take off my

collar and go out of town to a pub and drink myself blind for a few

days. Get it out of my system." They all look each other again

nervously, but the next priest slowly starts "Wellll......with me,

it's gambling. Periodically, I nick the money out of the poor box and

go to the races. Spend it all! I get it out of my system." The third,

who is really nervous now reluctantly says "This is very difficult. My

sin is worse. I take off my collar and go into the red light district,

pick out a lass, and spend a week in the saddle. I REEEEAAALY get it

out of my system." They all look at the fourth priest waiting. He

doesn't say anything. Then one of the four speaks up "Come now, we've

all told our innermost faults. It's your turn." He looks at the others

and starts hestitantly "Welllllll..... I'm an inveterate gossip, and I

can't wait to get off this train!"

A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name and

address?"

"I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address."

The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question.

"I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."

Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea

pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!"

"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"

"I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...Damn! There goes

another one!"

Then there was the Irishman who sued the local baker for forging the Irishman's

signature on a hot cross bun....

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McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.

When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the

Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done,

"what was that all about?"

"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of

olives!"

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"I've Lost Me Luggage"

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal

with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was

already homesick.

"No," replied the Irishman "I've lost all me luggage!"

"How'd that happen?"

"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

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"Water to Wine"

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding

in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an

empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been

drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

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"The Brothel"

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel

across the street.

They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said,

"Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye,

'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well."

Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen

said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dying.

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Thanks for the jokes, everyone! I'll have to show them to my girlfriend when she comes over on Thursday!

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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he couldn't stand still. He asked Father Murphy for some advice. Father Murphy replied,

"When I'm worried about gettin' nervous on the pulpit, I take a wee bit o' whiskey. Just to calm my nerves."

So the next Sunday he took the older priest's advice. Before the mass, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. A few sips of whiskey. Not the whole bottle.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his a$$.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Senior, Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the #### out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say "He was stoned off his a$$."

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body"; he did not say, "Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yea God"

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Patrick's, not a patrick-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

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O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.

"Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"

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An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road.

The Rabbi says,

"Oy vey! What a wreck!"

The priest asks him,

"Are you all right, Rabbi?"

The Rabbi responds,

"Just a little shaken."

The priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says,

"Here, drink some of this it will calm your nerves."

The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and says,

"Well, what are we going to tell the police?

" "Well," the priest says, "I don't know what your aft' to be tellin' them. But I'll be tellin' them I wasn't the one drinkin'."

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An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying

"I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork...Have you actually ever tasted it?

The Rabbi said,

"I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."

Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked,

"Your religion, too...I know you're suposed to be celibate. But...."

The priest replied,

"Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice.

" There was silence for a while.

Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said,

"Better than pork, isn't it?"

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Two Irish guys are walking down the road and one turns to the other and says, "Mick, when I die, I want ya to buy the best bottle of Irish whiskey that money can buy, and pour it on me grave."

The second guy turns to him and says, " I surely will, Pat, but you won't mind if I filter through me kidneys fist, will ya?"

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